It needs no explaining that anxiety and Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) can be a royal pain in the ass. They are the hemorrhoids of the mind if you ask me. Even on a productive day, you’re telling me that I can, all of a sudden, become overwhelmed by feeling like I’m behind in life, when I know damn well that I’m not? Or I can go to fill up my Nalgene and by the time I’ve made it to the kitchen, I’ve completely forgotten why I’m there, only to make it back to my desk and realize that my mouth has been dry and an empty water bottle has been in my hand the whole time? This whole thirst situation, I’d like to add, likely caused by my housemate needing to have the heat set at 75 degrees (fahrenheit for the world’s majority) for medical purposes, or so they claim. It’s some grade A bullshit if you ask me.
I should clarify, both to the casual reader and to those who struggle mightily with these two setbacks, these are relatively mild inconveniences that present themselves on rare occasions for me. To picture me shivering in a dark corner, unable to maintain focus on any one insecurity for more than a few seconds, would be drastically inaccurate and do a great disservice to the resilience of those who endure the true might of these mental obstructions. But for a brief moment, not two hours ago, I felt as if my world was closing in on me. I opened my phone to take a look at the list of things I set out to tackle today, and soon found myself on YouTube, not remembering why I was there, but knowing I didn’t want to feel the added weight of sadness and anger sure to be brought on by the many videos about the Nashville Covenant School shooting. You’d think the term “school shooting” would be enough to identify exactly what event you are talking about, but no. We’ve gotten to a point where the school names need to be included. Painful as it is to admit, that doesn’t even seem to be enough anymore. School names feel like they’re just starting to blend together now. But that’s not what I’m here to write about right now.
I was hitting a wall. One that I was recognizing and completely unaware of at the same time. But I found my control in a message to myself that I had tattooed on my wrist about 7 or so years ago. “Party On.” A statement that I connected with almost immediately and didn’t realize was a “Wayne’s World” reference until after I got the thick, black, words permanently needled into my near see-through, Irish skin. The meaning behind it for me is for another time, but during that brief moment of internal chaos, those words shut everything out and got the back-to-it ball rolling. As is customary for wobbly fuckers like myself, or to those who don’t find that term as funny or self-endearing as I do, standing disabled folk, the first order of business was to find my footing.
“What can I control? Well, the shades are shut and the window’s closed. Start there.” So I open the shades and crack the window in open defiance of my toasty housemate. There’s blue sky, but it’s distant, and above me are gray clouds that only add to the feeling of separation from positivity. We’re moving forward though, not backward. Soon, I remembered an old trick that I once deemed my saving grace. Something so simple, it’s amazing that it ever fell out of my immediate arsenal. Smile. That’s it. Just start to smile. By no means the grand solution, but back in college, if I ever faced a short bout with anxiety after breathing in the marijuana pot dope, I’d force myself to smile for a bit, and it would always help put my mind at ease. Lo and behold, not the total solution here, but certainly the foundation to build a monument of good vibes upon.
Someone else’s input wasn’t needed to realize that smiling in a quiet, empty room was kind of weird. That feeling comes all on it’s own; but by now the clouds had moved, there was a little more light coming in, and the only thing that felt unwelcome was the quiet. “Why isn’t there any music playing? I always have music playing.” “Go-go gadget Spotify” and I was at the home-page of audio over-indulgence. “Liked Songs?” No, that didn’t feel right for this moment. So, I navigated to “Search,” and then “New Releases,” and for those who haven’t realized, what was an attention-deficient spell of anxiety just a couple minutes ago, has now developed into adventurous curiosity. I could stop the story there and call it a win if I wanted, but I’d be leaving out the biggest part. There, directly under the words “New albums & singles” was a new album by Nickel Creek.
I was struck. Nickel Creek, my childhood go-to for relaxing, beautiful bluegrass music, whose album This Side was among the first albums I ever spent my own money on, was there to greet me at the end of the tunnel after having broken up nine years ago. Even better, they’re touring through New Hampshire in less than a month. What luck! One satisfying listen through of Celebrants later, complemented by a small workout break, and I’ve found myself looking out at the mostly blue skies, a little bit wiser, a little bit happier, and right back on track with my day.
I started writing this without any real ending in mind, but I guess if there is one thing I’d like people to take away from it, it’s that you never know what reward awaits you on the other side of a hurdle, but you should always feel proud of yourself for making the effort to find out what it is. Hope you have a nice day 🙂
